The real me...the selfish one

Today marks 14 weeks we've been living with my parents. A considerable amount of that time has been spent on sleepless nights, overeating, anger, avoiding friends, and a very unhealthy share of crying. By golly, I even started drinking regular pop...not even diet!

I like security, see. I like my little world to stay nice and safe. No change. No surprises (unless it's like a surprise date with my best man. Nod, nod, wink, wink, Honey.). So these past few months I've allowed myself to spiral into an unfriendly place. A place that's dark and lonely and sad. Some of you know of my struggles with depression and anxiety in the past. I'm no stranger to that place.

I did realize at some point that I was just feeling sorry for myself. Unfortunately that just made me feel like a great big turd, and ultimately made the whole situation worse.

This time though, I believe, God placed certain people in my path to bring me out of that nasty place AND bring to light just how much control I did have over my feelings. He revealed to me that I can choose (what!?) to have a good attitude about my situation or a bad one. Also, I can dictate, to a certain extent, my family's attitudes towards a situation. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, right? That's certainly true at our house, er, bedroom.

So, earlier this week I was going through my favorite blogs and came across a very special one. She wrote about a difficult situation that her family had been in but she had chosen to make a fun adventure of it and keep all things positive. Now there was a thought. Huh. New and interesting concept for this Negative Nellie. Then later that evening we were blessed to run into some dear friends. This friend of mine is really in an actually very bad situation right now, not just a superficial one like mine. She kind of slapped me upside the head with something like this, "Stop complaining you big oaf! You're moving into a *mansion." I'm pretty sure that was exactly how she said it.

All I know is that this week I still can't sleep, I still get frustrated, and I'm still drinking regular pop BUT there's much more happiness in my little world when I wake up with a smile.

Lord,

Thank you for the immense blessings you're pouring out on my family right now, at a time when so many others are losing so much. Thank you for simple blog posts and unexpected encounters with special friends. Your orchestration never ceases to amaze me or drop me to my knees in humble appreciation. I pray I can be a light to others as others have been a light to me.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

It's such a hard thing to admit fault, isn't it? I certainly don't like to, but...

Flat out, I'm selfish. To the core. Through and through.

Thank you for loving me anyway. If you didn't already, please start cuz I have low self esteem.

*It's not a mansion!